Resolving Turf Wars Peacefully

Let's face it...relationships can be hard work, especially when it comes to sharing living quarters. Whether it's with your spouse, roommate, parent, child, sibling, friend or co-worker, occupying the same space day-to-day adds a whole new dimension--and often tension--to even the healthiest relationships. As a professional organizer, I've helped quite a few couples, families and work teams negotiate a peaceful resolution to their turf wars with just a few simple strategies. With good communication, a little compromise, and the right attitude, you too can arrange a ceasefire on some of these common war cries:

He/She never puts anything away!

• Ask: Does he/she know where it belongs?

Everything should have a designated "home" and everyone who uses it should know where that is. Otherwise, it requires too much mental energy to figure out where to put it away, and it just won't happen. Labeling and/or making an alphabetical index of where things belong will help everyone remember where it goes until it becomes ingrained in their minds. It is never too early to start training your children to put things away. As soon as they are able to walk and hold an object, they can begin cleaning up after themselves. Pair pictures with the written labels for pre-readers.

• Ask: Is it stored conveniently enough? 

Everyone has an "inconvenience threshold" they simply will not cross in order to put something away, and it is different for each person. He/She may not even realize that having to stand on tip-toe to put an item back exceeds their threshold. Communicate without judgment to discover the issue and then work together to figure out a more convenient spot to store problem items. (And BTW, "without judgment" are two little words worth highlighting when it comes to negotiating any truce.)

He/She has too much "junk" and won't get rid of any of it!

• Ask: How much of this item can I tolerate? and How much "junk" of my own am I guilty of keeping?

"One man's trash is another man's treasure", as the saying goes. Just because you don't see the value in something doesn't mean it has none to someone else. Talk through this respectfully and be ready to compromise. It's true that some people have a harder time parting with things than other people for a wide variety of reasons. Appealing to their sense of reason, sometimes with the help of an impartial third party like me, may help. Please be compassionate and never minimize the internal struggle another person may be experiencing when confronted with the idea of saying goodbye to something they really wanted to keep. Another helpful approach is to decide together on an amount of space each person can devote to his or her "junk". Determine specific limits, such as x number of bins, shelves or drawers, or a specific number of items, such as 30 t-shirts or 20 stuffed bears. "I'll get rid of this if you get rid of that" often works. Write down what you agree to, to avoid future disputes. Both parties should commit to paring down the stash once the limit is reached."

He/She wants everything out and easily accessible, but I like the visual peace of having it out of sight (or vice versa).

• Ask: What items/spaces really matter to me? 

Most people's preferences on this issue vary depending on the room or the items in question. Your spouse may prefer to have all of the appliances out on the counter in the kitchen for convenience's sake, but desire the visual peace of clear surfaces in the living room. The majority of us don't even know what our preferences are or why we have them until we really stop and think about it. Talk this through, and you will probably discover that compromise is easier than you think.

• Ask: Can we rearrange the living space so that one of us doesn't have to see the other's clutter?

As an example, I need visual peace and clear surfaces in my living space but my son wants to display and enjoy his multitude of Lego creations for days or weeks on end. Solution: he keeps them in his room or downstairs in the play area where I rarely go, rather than in the living room where I spend most of my relaxation time.

Sometimes just understanding why you or your co-inhabitants exhibit certain habits or behaviors helps to defuse a potentially explosive situation. Don't let your frustration reach the boiling point. Think it through, talk it out, and be willing to compromise. With a little bit of effort, even sharing space peacefully can be easy peasy!

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